Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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