So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
