I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
