I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
