what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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