Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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