Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize