Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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