At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
