He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
