WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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