The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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