Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
