butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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