I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
