who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize