so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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