I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
