so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
40s are totally the cure
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
