He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
