We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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