I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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