I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
A+ Viking dick
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