I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
