PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
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