That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
