I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Randomize
