I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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