guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
