if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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