Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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