I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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