I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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