Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
