The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
