i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
