Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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