He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize