At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
