Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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