My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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