a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize