My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
