i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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