Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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