You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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