know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize