OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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