My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
