How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
