Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize