I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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