So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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