my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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