u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
