How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Four minutes until I can fart!
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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