we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
