why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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