i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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